The Casual Friday

Highlights of My Day: January 7, 2009

2009-01-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

1. Got back on the wagon...literally, I started riding to work via horse and wagon, and I fell off the other day.
2. Submitted a request to my condo association asking for the installation of a heli-pad.
3. Dreamt that Yes Man part 2 would come out in late 2009 and go straight to DVD...I'm now convinced that I can dream the future.
4. Told the guy at Best Buy that I needed a flash drive for my back up drive to my external hard drive...he got a boner and then his head exploded.
5. Stole all of the business cards from a "win a free lunch, drop off your card to win" bowl, and called everyone to let them know they were disqualified due to asking for a cup of water, but filling said cup with soda.
6. Three people apologized, the others claimed the fruit punch knob was stuck.
8. Set a personal goal to use the saying/body language combo of "Uhg"/sloutching of shoulders at least 3 times a day, for 5 weeks.

My Latest Project and Highlight of My Day

2008-12-06T02:38:00.000-08:00

So you may have been wondering, "What in the hell has Brian been up to?"
Likely not, but just in case, I thought that I would invite you all to visit my latest and greatest site: http://www.uglychristmassweaterparty.com/
Turns out that a whole lot of people are interested in buying and selling Ugly Christmas Sweaters, or getting ideas for Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties, so I put the site together and people have been flocking to it.
Thanks for stopping by!

Today's Random Purchase 2-7-08

2008-02-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

Breath-mints and Nunchucks

Today's Random Purchase

2008-01-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

Vodka and Diapers

Highlights of My Day: Preparing my 2008 New Years Resolutions

2007-12-06T19:04:00.000-08:00

1. Avoid infomercial offers...especially ones where the host has an English accent.
2. Learn to speak in African click.
3. Make a new friend and never call them by their real name...ever.
4. Tell my co-workers that I always wear long sleeve shirts to cover up my gang tattoo.
5. Track down my pen-pal from 3rd grade..write a letter that simply says "WTF?"

I hope everyone is doing well...it's been a busy year, thus the lack of posts, but hey, I'm sure you found something else to read...so go screw yourselves.

What Is Up?

2007-11-27T06:12:00.000-08:00

Okay...so it's been a while.
What's new everyone?

Highlight of my Week: It's my Birthday

2007-08-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

So I celebrated turning 26 this week. Yes, yes, another year of being on Earth...You're welcome.

A frosty birthday beer, and bleacher seats at Wrigley...not too shabby.

Highlights of My Day, August 5

2007-08-05T18:46:00.000-07:00

1. Went coo coo for Coa Coa Puffs.
2. Continue to claim I wrote the script for Honey I Shrunk the Kids
3. Considered what living in Castle Greyskull would do for my sex life.
4. Fell asleep watching professional wrestling, had a dream in which everything was pretty much as it is now, except that it was perfectly acceptable to hit people that you didn't like over the head with a steel chair.
5. Realized that while it may be an odd word, nobody could ever come up with a better name for a slurpee.
6. Noticed this guy peeking in my window.

Let's Have Another Go, Shall We?: Highlights of My Day

2007-07-17T18:14:00.001-07:00

1. Wrote a letter to the person who invented "spooning" and thanked him for not calling it "akwardly cuddling"
2. Threw a glass inside a rock building.
3. Considered the potential increase in property value, should I decide to install a ball pit next to my dining room.
4. Had a dream that Andy Dick was my roommate
5. Immediately removed my posting on Craig's List for a roommate.
6. Had a Saturday night of heavy drinking..passed out..woke up refreshed in the middle of the night...15 minutes later, I realized it was 3:15 pm on Tuesday and I was in my coat closet.
7. While watching an episode of This Old House, wondered if Bob Villa ever "got really really creepy" with a young intern at the annual office Christmas party.
8. Wondered why the Big Bad Wolf didn't just pose as a 12 year old boy in a chat room, afterall, everyone knows the wise pig who built the brick house was a pervert, and surely would've left the garage door open.
9. Came to the mathematical conclusion that playing flippy cup increases your odds of getting laid by 45.94%
10. Let out a silent fart, to which a co-worker shortly afterward said, "Why does it smell like somebody is baking cookies and lighting off fireworks in here?"

Okay...I think I'm back...Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm back.

A Healthy Obsession with MySpace

2007-05-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

If it hasn't become obvious, I've spent the last six months developing a healthy obsession with MySpace. Constantly checking in to see what my friends, and better yet "Top Friends", have left for me to read or watch. For a while, I even liked reading the spam comments people left me.

That would be fine if it stopped there, but my obsession has grown. So now my new thing is figuring out who comes to my space *get it?*, whether they leave a note or not. Thus Profile Maps....which started off as the greatest thing ever, until I started getting visitors from places I've never been, nor do I know anyone from such places. Take Montana for example. Who in the hell lives in Montana?
Is it you? Let me know...

You've Got My Word.

2007-04-23T17:40:00.000-07:00

Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman gets my stamp of approval.
Buy this book, and thank me later.

Get Out Your Checkbooks

2007-01-31T03:33:00.000-08:00

Any takers? If not, that's cool...I'd likely just blow it all at the blackjack tables.

So, in honor of my current trip to Las Vegas, I thought I would ante up, and find out just how much I could cash in for, should I decide to liquidate my blog.

According to Technorati.com & Dane Carlson, owner of Business Opportunities.biz, it's worth $319,529.64

My blog is worth $319,529.64.
How much is your blog worth?

So if anyone is interested, let me know before Sunday, that way I can let it ride on the Bears winning the Superbowl.

What was yours worth?
Today's "Odd Odor" was brought to me in part by: The 39 Year Old Sitting Next to Me on the Plane, reading Harry Potter....Pig Slop washed down with Ginger Ale. (Why do we always go for the Ginger Ale on the plane?)

The Worst Gift Cards to Give and Receive this Holiday Season

2006-12-19T12:32:00.000-08:00

We've all been "there" before. Surrounded by family, friends or co-workers, opening a potential package of goodness, when suddenly you discover the contents within the free gift wrapped box, are as useful as a fart in a mitten. (my buddy's grandma used to say that...often)

So along came the great fad of giving gift cards, and while the free money at Starbucks, Best Buy and Target will always satisfy, I had the thought, when will gift cards run their course, and land on the list of worst gifts?...Right up there with a Christmas sweater from great aunt Hellen or Seasons 1-8 of The Antiques Roadshow on DVD. So I've compiled a list, naming the potential gift cards that could ruin our short lived tradition.

1. $75 at Sky Line Chili. Let's assume you would even eat at this hell hole, you'll likely die before your balance drops to $25 bucks.

2. $450 at the Books for Dummies Online Store, an obvious way to say, you're a dumbass.

3. 750 Pesos at Alejandro's Auto Detail and Plastic Surgery

4. $60 at Heathcliff Huxtible's House of Sweaters

5. $10 at www.throwzini.com (plus a free copy of the 101 Knife Throwing Tips Info Pack)

6. $5 at Uncle Harry's General Store...to be used on Potted Meat Products only.

7. Unlimited downloads at www.JoJoOnline.com

8. $200 at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts...for that useless fatass in your life.

9. $10 at Cracker Barrel. You would be forced to choose between stocking up on Peg Games, bringing down the price of a Hand made rocking chair from $119.99 to $109.99, or finally, death by biscuits and gravy.

10. $100 at Don's Guns ...like Don says, "It's better to own a gun and not need it, than to need a gun and not own one." by the way Don, what's the thought behind your Rental Gun program?

Highlight of My Day (And Quite Possibly, the Highlight of the Final Fiscal Quarter in '06)

2006-11-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

In honor of the person that will be responsible for the smile on my face this weekend, I would like to give you all a look into the world that is, Jim Gaffigan.

Friday, December 1st at The Murat, Downtown Indianapolis.

Highlights of My Day: November 3, 2006

2006-11-03T05:39:00.000-08:00

1. Considered the affects taking up speed walking would have on my sex life.
2. Took a crap that looked exactly like a cartoon cactus
3. Passed a marquee that should have read "Our Award Winning Staff will Blow You Out of the Water!"....but somebody took the liberty of removing "Out of the Water"
4. For the 5th day straight, I've gone next door to a pet shop on my lunch hour and asked the owner if goldfish were made from real gold.
5. Created a new breakfast cereal that consists of Jolly Ranchers and Vodka, sprinkled with Meth.
6. Had a dream that Raggedy Ann and Andy were in a heated political race...
7. Reggedy Ann used negative TV campaigns discussing Andy's former addictions to teen chat rooms, however Andy just stuck to the real issues.

8, 9 & 10.
Do yourself a favor, go see this movie tonight.

Phone's Ringing Dude....Thank You Donny

2006-10-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

Highlights of My Day...I'm Back Mutha F'ers

2006-08-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

1. Will likely be sent to HR after using my shoe and stapler to explain the difference between dry-humping and "the real thing" to my new intern.
2. Last week, a co-worker un-screwed the back of my chair..I fell out...funny stuff. Cut to a week later when he left his computer un-locked....new screensaver x payback = priceless.
3. Let out my neighbor's dog...replaced every can in his fridge of "high-protein" tuna with Eukanuba Puppy Large Breed Dog Food (10 oz)..."its critical for the 12-24 months of puppyhood."
4. Got on the elevator, asked some punk ass teenager to hit "7", after he hit 7, I started yelling, "what are you some kind of fucking idiot!!!"
5. Witnessed a punk ass teenager piss his pants in an elevator.

Hey, 5 is better than zero.
Thanks for everyone's patients these past few months...okay, many months. And thanks again to everyone who sent me an e-mail, okay many e-mails, reminding me that they needed their weekly dose of The Casual Friday funny.
I'm going to try my best to update on a regular basis, and I hope you all don't mind if I change up the format from time-to-time.....According to Jessica Shaw *The Shaw Report* Lists are soooo 5 minutes ago.

Today's Fart Flavor of the Day was brought to me by the fatass standing in front of me at Arby's: Garlic and Curly Fries with a hint of BBQ sauce.

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

2006-03-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Hasselhoff of My Day

2006-02-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

Some people stand in the darkness
Afraid to step into the light
Some people need to help somebody
When the edge of surrender's in sight..
Don't you worry! Its gonna be alright'cause I'm always ready,I won't let you out of my sight.
I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
Never you fear (no don't you fear)
I'll be ready Forever and always
I'm always here.
-Hasselhoff (1989)

What's Up Chuck?

2006-02-03T05:32:00.000-08:00

You didn't really think he learned that roundhouse kick on his own, did you?

Highlights of My Day

2006-01-27T21:48:00.000-08:00

10. Smoked peyote, stumbled across a Choose Your Own Adventure book, woke up 14 hours later in the backseat of a taxi with a bucket of fried chicken
9. Threatened a random stranger by poking him in the chest while whispering, "I don't step on toes, I step on necks!"
8. Realized my threat could be viewed as plagarizm, as the great Chuck Norris mentioned those exact words in Delta Force
7. Discovered taking a shit in an empty pop can is not as hard as it may seem
6. Let out a silent fart near the desk of the guy who always wistles "Don't Worry, Be Happy" in the elevator
5. Discovered (yes that's two discoveries today) that I may be the only 24 year old professional who farts on, or around the area of, my co-workers
4. Saw an old man adjust his nut sack
3. Followed around this kid wearing a F.B.I (Female Body Inspector) shrit and kept asking him to please kill himself
2. Placed the greatest bid of all time on E-bay ...somebody really should buy that.
1. Fixed my TiVo and was able to retrieve the episode of Family Ties, when Tom Hanks guest starred as the alcoholic uncle, Ned Donnely...it's an emotional roller-coster

Highlight of My Day

2006-01-07T00:49:00.000-08:00

I never thought 1 night with his wife would cause so much chaos.

2005-11-23T14:57:00.000-08:00

Highlights of My Day

2005-11-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

1. Dreamt I invented a font type named "hairy," in which each letter appeared as it would if it were shaved on the back of a hairy man
2. Realized I should probably contact the people at Guinness after a co-worker took what appeared to be the "largest dump of all time"
3. Considered what living in a ginger bread house would do for my sex life
4. Witnessed the worst attempt in the history of parrallel parking...pointed, laughed and continued on with my day
5. Discovered I get a slight twitch in my left eye whenever co-workers ask me to do something that sounds like it would suck worse than dying
6. Wondered when the CEO will read the comment I dropped in the comment box... "I think some exotic dancers would really liven this place up."
7. Tried to figure out how many licks it would take to get to the point where your tongue falls off
8. Made a profile on e-harmony in which I stated I was looking for a "partner in crime", I then went on in blunt detail as to which type of crimes I was looking to commit
9. About lost it when I heard the hostess at our resturant say, "Rimjob, party of two? Your table is ready."
10. Purposely fell asleep with the National Geographic Channel on to see if I'd dream about those weird tribal woman's banana boobs

Fart Flavor of the Day: Lemon Meringue Pie in the middle of a pig farm

Highlights of My Day

2005-10-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

1. Discovered calling off work to watch an I Love the 80's marathon was so worth it
2. Considered what owning a mint-condition Nintendo with PowerPad would do for my sex life
3. Asked a worker in Starbucks if he could point me to the nearest Eiffel Tower
4. Added to his confusion by quickly demanding an M&M Blizzard with sprinkles
5. Pretended to be on my cell phone asking somebody on the other end how to wipe my ass, when a co-worker entered the stall next to me..."Did you say I wipe back to front? Or front to back?"
6. Called up to the HR department to find out if question #5 on my 2006 employee health benefits form, "Do you smoke?" meant cigarettes or "like other stuff"
7. Wondered if anyone would be offended if I show up on Halloween dressed as a hurricane victim (will require lugging around a bucket of water to dump on myself every 10 minutes)
8. Shattered last months numbers by only being spotted twice scratching my balls in public
9. Dreamt I was Janet Jackson's secret daughter...err, huh?
10. Realized even at the age of 24, I still like to spin globes and pretend wherever my finger is when it stops is where I will live....Go Madagascar!

Fart Flavor of the Day: Warm Apple Cider with a splash of ashtrey

Sorry for the 3 weeks with no post...I've been held hostage and forced to wear a sweater vest and tie....SOS!

Highlights of My Day

2005-10-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Filed a lawsuit that states I was the original coreographer of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation
2. Dreamt I huffed endust w/ Danny Bonaduce
3. Woke up and Danny Donaduce was passed out on my couch
4. Got a call from my stoner friend to let me know he invented the process of buttering corn with peanut butter
5. Took a $200 bet that I wouldn't replace the CEO's parking space sign with an "Parking for Assholes Only" sign
6. Killed 45 minutes at work by flipping a penny 100 times to see if the heads-to-tail odds would really be 50/50....ended up being 62 heads-to-38 tails
7. Made a note to never say "Tails never fails" ever again
8. Treated myself to 3 pints of Guiness and a round of Golden Tee on my lunch hour
9. Pretended that I was about to piss myself just to avoid my new neighbor, Deena (the cat lady)
10. Had a fart that sounded like my ass said, "Say what?" (high pitch followed by a base finish)

Fart Flavor of the Day: strawberries dipped in a liquid garbage fondu sauce

Highlights of My Day

2005-10-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

1. Considered what taking up bird watching would do for my sex life.
2. Saw a midget struggling at a drinking fountain
3. Spent the next 5 minutes watching that midget struggle
4. Tried to deposit "movie money" into my Fifth Third bank account
5. Met my new neighbor, Clyde, he asked if I would want to watch NASCAR with him sometime
6. Met Clyde's wife, Deena, she talked for 30 straight minutes about their three cats, Milly, Molly, and Noodles
7. Called the moving company to find out when I needed to return the rental truck, I also asked what they wanted me to do about the little boys arm that was still stuck in the front grill...they didn't find it funny
8. Answered the question; "Who actually buys this shit?" when a guy at the gas station was complaining that the condom machine in the bathroom took his money
9. Glued my fingers and toes together to see if I could swim faster
10. Asked random people if I could sign their casts... (they didn't have any broken bones)

Postponed Highlights

2005-09-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

I promise a brand new, fresh, and better than ever post on Monday...I'm moving to a new apartment all day today and tomorrow...Also, I fucking hate you guys, so those two things together equal this shotty post.

Quick Fact #1: Today I celebrate the 8,801 st day of my existance...
Quick Fact #2: Today I celebrate the 8,801 st day I've avoided being stabbed.

Highlights of my Day

2005-09-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Considered what winning a life-time-supply of Quaker Oatmeal woud do for my sexlife
2. After about a minute of singing Skid Row's "Youth Gone Wild" in the bathroom at work, I realized I wasn't the only person in the bathroom
3. Had a dream in which everyone was wearing Hypercolor shirts
4. Had a fart that took at least 30 seconds to completely leave my ass
5. Found out that the lady who lives in my building, the old crazy one who smells like a garbage truck, is moving out this weekend
6. Obtained the preceeding information from my mail-man who looks just like Ludacris...I swear they could be brothers, not like "brothas"...I mean brothers
7. Won a $50 bet in which I had to talk like the guy from the Dyson commercials for an entire day
8. Thought about walking up to a complete stranger and saying, "Yo, why you been trippin lately son?...nah mean, cuz?"
9. Spent 4 hours at work "googlewhacking" (this is where you type in two random words in a google search, and try to find just one result) my only success was: western dumbwaitor
10. Considered bitting off my pinky just to leave work early

Fart Flavor of the Day: Sweaty hands that have been holding pennies all day, dipped in chocolate

Highlights of My Day

2005-09-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Norton discovered a virus on my computer named "Five Dollar, Sucky Sucky"
2. Realized the only way to get good use out of a stress ball is to throw one at somebody you don't like, as hard as you possibly can
3. Saw a co-worker log into Simple Plan's official fan club website...if you are asking yourself, what is so wrong with that....then please log off now
4. Learned the tough way that drinking 4 Jager-bombs on my lunch hour was not a wise move
5. Also learned the tough way that having Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" as your ringtone is not cool
6. Walked in on a guy picking a booger in the restroom at Panera Bread
7. Let out a huge fart and said to the booger guy, "dude you're disgusting"
8. Continue to wonder how those ships get into those bottles
9. Filled out a new employee questionnaire at work...when asked "tell us something unique about yourself" I replied with "I once was the runner up in a Burt Reynolds look-a-like contest."
10. Found out that response, along with a long list of smart-ass/made-up answers got send out to the entire company

Fart Flavor of the Day: Scrambled Eggs with a side of Baby Diapers (not to be confused with a side of Adult Diapers)

Highlights of My Day

2005-09-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

1. Stood behind a guy who either shit his pants, or didn't know his shirt was in the way when he was wiping off his ass
2. Discovered my newest fear: not knowing my shirt got in the way while wiping my ass at work
3. Saw a bum pretend there was an earthquake happening when a large woman walked past him, it was then that I realized; bums can be entertaining even when their not pissing in the middle of a busy street
4. Tried to order a fat-free thick burger at Carl's Junior (Hardees)
5. Nominated the next hurricane to be named hurricane "That Fucker"
6. Spent the rest of my afternoon watching CNN and replacing "Katrina" with "That Fucker"
-There's no telling how many people have been affected by That Fucker
-White House officials are being blamed for the choas That Fucker left behind
-Well as you can see Bob, That Fucker just came roaring right through this entire city
-One thing is for certain; That Fucker will cost the American tax payers billions
7. Was glad to see that hidden camera I installed in my room is being put to good use
8. Tried to find on job on Monster.com using "pimp" as my keyword
9. Louie Anderson was spelled out in my bowl of Alphabet Soup
10. Robbed a gas station to pay for my gas

Highlights of My Day (A Conversation with the Members of Rockapella)

2005-08-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

Ask and you shall receive: Rockapella
This is your one and only chance to ask Jeff, Scott, Sean, Barry & Elliot what it is like to be a member of one of the greatest bands of our time.

You all owe me big for this....

1. Jeff, is it true that you were threatened to be kicked out of the band for messing around with a gumshoe?
2. Sean, it could have been a rumor, but was there anything going on between you and Chief?
3. Scott, people tell me all the time that I look like somebody they know....I think it's you, how does that make you feel?
4. And another thing Scott, I love the way you tight-rolled your jeans, what was your secret?
5. Elliot, did you ever overcome your $9,000/day (1992 street value) coke habit?
6. Barry, it is obvious that you continue to inspire today's youth, how do you deal with the pressure?
7. Jeff, where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
8. Scott, as the leadsinger of the band, was it your insticts that lead the band to such classics as the Folgers Coffee commercial?
9. Barry, you let many of your fans down when you were caught in '91 with a bag of mushrooms and a 14 year-old asian hooker, what do you have to say to your fans?
10. Finally, I just have to ask, what is it like knowing that every superstar in the music industry has you to thank for their inspiration and muse?

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Got stuck in traffic behind this guy
2. Told my co-workers to let me know if they see Dog the Bounty Hunter anywhere around the building
3. Dreamt I was asked to be the new Noxzema model
4. Continue to make progress in proving my theory that 6 billion TV's and a Saved by the Bell channel on 24/7, could create world peace
5. Took a couple people aside at my new job and told them that I was really a 6 year ventren sent over from the corporate office...I assured them that they were good...but cutbacks were "a'comin"
6. Found somebody more annoying that Ron (aka Ronski)...Phil (aka the guy who pretends he's always going to hit you in the gut, but doesn't, instead he laughs and says, "whoah, got the new guy"...then proceeds to give you a high-five)
7. Blamed taking an hour and a half lunch on "not hearing any bell or whistle to let me know time was up"
8. Remembered the time I got stoned and tried to turn in a missing person file for "Carmen SanDiego"
9. Found the squeekiest chair in the office...the perfect cover-up for flachulance
10. Daydreamed about how awesome it would be if when I got off work, if it was just like when Fred Flintstone gets off work

Fart Flavor of the Day: Beer Battered Candy Canes

Highlights of My Day (First Day at New Job)

2005-08-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Asked my co-workers what they did over their summer vacation
2. Let out a muffled "bullshit" during the new employee orientation, they were discussing improper usage of the internet
3. Had a 3 martini lunch
4. Drew a picture of me and my boss holding hands under a rainbow...gave it to her
5. Starting eying out who I would want my "Secret Santa" to be this holiday season
6. Tried to pick out the office slut
7. Took a mental note that I was never officially given a talk on workplace sexual harassment
8. Discovered a red Swingline Stapler in my desk
9. Met a fellow employee, Ron, he used the term super-duper at least 5 times
10. Ron also substitutes the term ".com" with ".comski!"

Fart Flavor of the Day: Eggplant Parm lightly covered with sunflower seeds
Lie of the Day: I would make out with Rachel Dratch to meet Will Farrell

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

1. Paid my buddy's 12-year-old brother to wear a shirt that says "Eat Shit" on his 1st day of school
2. Woke up sitting on a curb while getting yelled at by a cabby...he said I puked in his taxi, I said, "I think that was there when I got in man."
3. Realized around 2:3o p.m. on Tuesday that it wasn't around 2:30 p.m. on Sunday
4. Wrote a business plan for a restuarant that only serves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
5. Invented the game "How fast can you get kicked out of a buffet restuarant"
6. Trained my nephew to quit calling the bathroom the "potty"...he now refers to it as "the crapper" (sounds like cwappur)
7. Got into an arguement in a bar with this kid I knew from the 6th grade, Dan Lincoln, he used to tell people Abe Lincoln was his great grandpa...after all those years, the lies finally got to me
8. Collected $100 from a bet, after I successfully slapped a random person across the face
9. Realized I've just about made it through the summer without seeing any carnies
10. While blowing out my birthday candles, I made a wish that everyone would remind me to make a wish

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Felt old as I realized all the kids going back to school this week are being checked for lice, while my lice now goes unrecognized
2. Followed around a lady in the mall and kept whispering, "If you build it...they will come."
3. Dreamt Tara Reid beat me in a game of tic-tac-toe in front of all my friends
4. Wrote in a request to Eli Lilly that the Cialis slogan of "when the moment is right, will you be ready" be changed to "let's go right now biaaaaatch"
5. Started an underground Beer Pong* league at work
6. By turning a back scratcher 180 degrees, I invented a balls scratcher
7. Made a hitlist of all the kids that went to my high school that I felt were making hitlists
8. Kept asking the lady next to me on the train if I could hold her baby...she didn't have a baby
9. Discovered the fastest way to get through a long line is to crap your pants 10 seconds before
10. Began preparing for my birthday (Saturday, Aug. 20th, 5:25 pm) by blowing out some ladies candles on her retirement cake

*beer pong is a drinking game played by frat guys, sluts, and dudes with sideways trucker hats
Fart Flavor of the Day: two bums having sex while chewing tabacco
80's Name of the Day: Makes Out at Roller Rink

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

1. Considered what eating meatloaf everyday would do for my sex life
2. Stood in the middle of the road with a bat and ball, and starting hitting "grounders" to people on the sidewalk
3. Bought a sweet new bike
4. Finally found an outfit to wear for my first day on the job
5. Picked a buger that looked like Massachusetts
6. Tried to start a game of tag on the elevator
7. Started yelling, "No tag-backs!"
8. Double-dared myself to shove our buildings mail lady
9. Had vodka and popcorn for lunch...again
10. Finally finished building my new store

Fart Flavor of the Day: Two turds swimming in Sprite

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

1. Considered what a chicken-pox outbreak would do for my sexlife
2. Hot glue gunned a bunch of my old trophies into one huge trophy
3. Dreamt I was the paperboy in the video game...Paperboy
4. In a crowded elevator, started yelling, "I think my water just broke!"
5. Sent out a bunch of resumes stating my name was Abe Lincoln, Bachelors of Science in Honesty, 2.35 GPA
6. Wore a pledge pin on my uniform
7. Me and my buddy Wyatt created a girlfriend
8. Attacked random people on the street with Silly String
9. Got into an arguement that Hillary Swank won her oscar for Karate Kid 3
10. Regained the record for who can hold their breath under water the longest at the pool...I beat Jaimie (9 yrs. old) by 5 Mississippi's

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

1. Had a brain fart which was immediately followed by a real fart (see below for flavor)
2. Watched the Weather Channel for 12 hours in a row...memorized the weekend outlook for 15 major cities
3. Wondered if jet streams are caused by jets
4. Let my neighbors dog out...totally ignored the huge pile of shit on the living room floor
5. Got a phone call about some contest I entered last month using the name Herby Versmelz..."Hi may I speak with Herby Versmelz?" say it a few times
6. Told a taxi driver to take me to every Starbucks in the city...he said..."You quit fucking around now..and tell Icmabala where you want to go."
7. Met a taxi driver who refers to himself in third person
8. Started a new hobby of looking for people who are obvisously waiting for somebody, and going up to them and saying, "who are you waiting for?" and they say something like "Mike", and then I say either, "Ah, me to." and just stand there. Or "Yeah, Mike told me to tell you he wasn't gonna be able to make it today." and just walk away
9. Threw a rock at a couple riding a tandem bike
10. Outran a tandem bike

Lie of the Day: My grandma and a bunch of her friends invented the color hazel
Fart Flavor of the Day: Green beans inside a garbage truck
80's Name of the Day: Travels with TrapperKeeper

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

1. Played a game of "how much shit can I knock of the shelves at Target"
2. Tried to order an M&M Blizzard with cookie dough at Starbucks
3. Had a dream I owned the yacht from Jay-Z's video...woke up in a bathtub
4. Also, in the same dream, I dreamt I was making out with Beyonce...woke up in the bathtub rubbing a loofah
5. Ate silly putty out of pure boredom
6. Shat out silly putty...renamed it shitty putty
7. TiVo'd the 2005 Miss USA contest...I now have plans for the entire weekend
8. Ran into a girl I went to high school with and literally said out loud, "hey...(slight pause) I have no clue what your name is."...smooth
9. Ran up and down my hallway yelling "Ready or not...here I come!"
10. Invented "Lucky Golden Smacks"...combining the fluffy marshmellows from lucky charms, and the crispy crunch of golden grahms with the added feature of Smacks' cereal making your urine smell quite odd..."all together 9 of 10 tastebuds say it's brilliant"

Fart Flavor of the Day: Grilled Styrofoam on a Sesame Seed Bun
80's Name of the Day: Speaks with Teddy Ruxpin

Quick Note

2005-08-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

If you haven't linked The Casual Friday please please please do...I only have a few more days on Blogger's homepage.
Thanks again to everyone who has been linked up since day 1...enjoy the blog.
-Boy Friday-

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

1. Aggressively sniffed my fingers in a crowded elevator
2. Had a dream that I married Ms. Garrett from the Facts of Life....Tootie!
3. Wondered why guys named William go by Bill, but never Billiam
4. Stole the idea of "indian names" from the Native Americans, and began the newest craze, "80's names!"...mine is "Dances with Stonewash Jeans"
5. Began writing my thesis: The Segregation Between White & Dark Chocolates
6. Purchased a huge poster of Bob Marley smoking a joint to hang in my new cubicle
7. After further review, the phrase "Pimpin' Aint Easy" is complete bullshit...that has the be the easiest job in the world
8. Realized dropping acid + a swimming pool = 10' x 15' tub of jell-o
9. Continue to wait patiently for an episode of Iron Chef where chefs are only allowed to use an Easy Bake Oven
10. Invented popcorn flavored butter

Fart Flavor of the Day: pumpkin pie dipped in gasoline

Each $4.00 donation...I will provide you with your very own 80's name.

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

1. Considered what having a dorsal fin would do for my sex life
2. Yelled "Mission accomplished!" after stopping to tie my shoes on a busy sidewalk
3. Tested the SPF of maple syrup...it is comparable to that of SPF 30
4. Weirded people out at the pool as I rubbed maple syrup on myself
5. Began using the salutation, "Boobs are great," at the closing of each e-mail and letter I write
6. Took a $1,000 bet in which I will have to shotgun a beer in the middle of an upcoming job interview
7. Practiced stop-drop-and roll, and looking both ways techniques
8. Set a new goal of writing a book which can be judged by it's cover
9. Revealed my true identity
10. Began selling wrist bands that say "What Would R. Kelly Do?"

Highlights of My Day

2005-08-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

1. Wrote "J.K. Rawlings was here" on the shitter stall in Barnes and Noble
2. Asked an old lady at the train station if the 13 o'clock train was running on time
3. Pretended to fall asleep while riding on an elevator
4. Asked the house keeper at my hotel why it is called "continental breakfast"...she responded with, "you wan room kreen o no kreened?"
5. Wondered why the 3 little pigs didn't go in on a house together in the first place
6. Sent in the patent paperwork for my beer-flavored toothpaste
7. Discovered a website dedicated to the 3rd and final installment of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
8. Continue to thank the people at Aunt Jemima
9. Had a fart that smelled like Cheerios smoothered with Southern Comfort
10. Thought about kidnapping Andy Milonakis

Lie of the Day: My sister is the reason why the Gin Blossoms broke up

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

1. Snotted when I sneezed...I have no clue where it went
2. Began my plans to date a Jewish girl during this holiday season, just to celebrate Christmikah like they do on the O.C.
3. Put in a bid on E-bay motors for an '85 short bus
4. Finally decided what I will go as for Halloween 2005.....Sarah Jessica Parker
5. Day dreamed about playing bacce ball with Nick Nolte (and yes...that is his autograph)
6. Totally got caught singing Foot Loose while waiting at a stop light
7. Called U-Haul to see "how many immigrants they thought I could pile up in the back of one of those things"
8. Wondered if Chelsea Clinton ever grew out of her "awkward stage"
9. Dared my buddy to go into work tomorrow with grass stains on his suit pants
10. Asked my grandma to convince my mom into giving me an allowance again

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

1. Started a competitive hop-scotch league
2. Let out a fart that I swear sounded like my ass said, "Huh?"
3. Wondered if anyone ever mistook mace for binaca
4. Found a calculator under my bed...spelled out "BOOBS"
5. Remembered how spelling "BOOBIES" was, and is, the only thing that has ever made me laugh harder
6. Deep fried a potato
7. Took off the door sign from the Work Out room, and put it on my neighbors door
8. Unsuccessfully attempted to break my all-time record for consecutive hours sitting on the couch
9. Wondered if anyone has ever beaten my elementary school Fit for Life record in "Sit and Reach"
10. Began making what will one day become the largest foil ball ever

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

1. Threw a fit
2. Seriously considered getting a "bowl" haircut
3. Ran out of lunch meat...invented the Doritos sandwich
4. Mapquested the North Pole
5. Shat out a T-bone
6. Wondered if people still get braces, or if that was just a fad of the 80's & 90's
7. Continued my quest to track down Don Lupre, and kick his ass
8. Farts are smelling like black liquorish and orange juice
9. Sent in a request to be on MTV Made...I want to learn how to make somebody my prison bitch
10. Re-named the STD term for "the clap" to "the applause"

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

1. Considered what bunk beds would do for my sex life
2. Tried to join the local Elk's Club
3. Realized the only thing more fucked up than playing paintball on acid is ballroom dancing on ecstasy
4. Entertained myself by filling out Mad Libs with dirty words
5. Dreamt I played Wesley on Mr. Belvedere
6. Self-proclaimed that I am an expert in pressure points
7. Got over my jealously of kids who's parents bought them Powerwheels when I was little
8. My new entrance music for entering work, restaurants, malls, or my apartment, will be the sound effect from "A Current Affair"
9. Tried to dip milk in a glass of Oreos
10. Finally understand why anything multiplied by 0 ='s 0

Lie of the Day: My uncles are Ben and Jerry

The Highlights of My Day

2005-07-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

1. Aggressively yelled at the kids playing Marco polo by the pool...Again
2. Pretty sure I overhead one of them call me a "fuckin ass clown"
3. Saw a lady with the longest ass known to man
4. Had vodka and popcorn for lunch
5. Sank your battleship
6. Realized the only thing keeping "nut-hugger" shorts from making a comeback was me
7. Inhaled paint fumes with the maintenance guys at my building
8. Asked for a Dick Burger at the Carl's Jr. drive-thru
9. Submitted a script for a sitcom whos characters are obsessed with game shows and try out for reality shows
10. Nominated Brother Dog for the worst mullet of the year award

Lie of the Day: That kid who keeps winning the hotdog eating contests, used to be a foreign exchange student in my high school

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

1. Had a wordrobe malfunction
2. Located the manufacturer of the Cosby family's sweaters
3. Decided Martin Lawrence's new movie "Rebound" should have been titled "Damn Gina!"
4. Talked to Jesus...Jesus Gonzales, my mom's lawn guy
5. Had a fart that smelled like Italian beef sprinkled with saw dust
6. My new goal in life is to become the next Oxi-Clean spokesman
7. Sent an e-mail to Paulie Shore just to see if he is desperate enough to reply
8. Became suspicious of an old lady at Lowes who was buying the needed materials to make a beer bong
9. Invited myself to her house later on tonight
10. Realized how much of a sell out Bruce Bruce has become

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

1. Got a black eye from walking into a door...told my friends and family that I was in an abusive relationship
2. Thus far, half of my farts have smelled like toothpaste
3. The other half have been combinations of Cheetos and green peppers, with hints of pineapple
4. Came across this file that I downloaded a while back...funny yet terrible
5. Continue to be amazed by the fact that a clean kitchen floor allows anyone to do the moon-walk
6. Wondered if when people call in to order info-mercial stuff, and the sales person says, "If you promise to tell 5 of your friends, we will include the solid food injector at no cost."..if they respond with, "Ah, ya know, to be honest, I really don't think I'll be running into many people that I know anytime soon, so, unfortunately, you're gonna have to leave me out on that offer."
7. Totally got caught picking my nose
8. Dreamt that I was back in high school taking the SAT's, and all the questions were like, what is your favorite movie...color...who is your best friend?...I bet I did terrible...I just know it!
9. Tasted contact solution...not sexual contact solution...eye contact solution
10. Told the saleswoman at Victoria's Secret that I thought my sister would look awesome in this *holding up a thong*

Lie of the Day...My great, great, great grandpa invented being left-handed

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

1. Woke up in the middle of the night freezing, fell back asleep and had a dream that their was a balls freezing off epidemic going on in Canada
2. Sang the O'Jays hit "Love Train" in the shower...pretty sure my neighbors could hear me
3. Realized everyone I know named Chris either has a speech impediment or is married to a Mexican
4. Watched a lady pay for her food at drive-thu window #1, and forgot to stop at #2 for her food
5. 30 seconds later I saw a guy walk into McDonald's who looked like he ate fast food about every 15 minutes
6. Started smoking cigarettes just so I can be that asshole who lights one up and says "don't start smoking man, this shit will kill you."
7. Admitted to myself that I am obsessed with other people's away messages on IM
8. Sent in another audition tape to the casting director of The O.C.
9. Had a fart that smelled like burnt rubber
10. Asked the lifeguard at the pool if she knew where I could get some arm floaties

Lie of the day:
My mom and her college roommate invented quilted toilet paper

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-12T14:37:00.000-07:00

1. A bird collided into my apartment window
2. Either the same bird or it's equally retarded cousin did the same thing 10 minutes later
3. Ate cereal for both breakfast and lunch
4. Saved money by testing out golf clubs for an hour at Dicks Sporting Goods instead of going to the driving range
5. Was reminded for the 3rd day in a row that I had corn last Friday
6. Started a terrorist group that is against terrorists...the 71 virgins should be awesome
7. Faked interest in a new iPod just to check my e-mails at the Apple store
8. Fell into a self-induced coma due to an extraordinary amount of Chinese food
9. Began worrying if those tiny corns in Chinese food have the same effect as regular corn
10. Determined my new alias at hotels will be "Mr. Ugly"

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

1. Got double-dog-dared
2. Successfully opened a Capri-Sun on my first try
3. Drank a 40 oz. ...poured some out for my homies
4. Booked O-Town to perform at my grandparents 65th anniversary
5. Declared I will be the winner of this years Publishers Clearing House $1,000,000 contest
6. Fed my neighbor's dog some Pop Rocks
7. Watched an Irish Setter try to figure what the fuck was happening to him
8. Practiced doing spit takes
9. Officially re-named my nuts from "Simon" and "Garfunkle" to "Lionel" and "Richie"
10. Continue to be turned on by the Overstock.com commercials

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

1. Wrote a letter to Oprah asking for $1,000,000 straight up
2. Thought I saw Rudy Huxtable's friend "Peter" (the fat quite neighbor) walking down the street
3. Got a feeling that tater-tots are on the verge of a huge comeback
4. Continued to narrow down my final selections for a Halloween costume
5. Had a discussion with a complete stranger on the techniques of wiping ones ass
6. Updated my "If I ever see them in person, I'll knock them out" list...Constantine Maroulis moved up one spot this week
7. Adults who read Harry Potter still maintain the #1 spot
8. Substituted gum for brushing my teeth
9. Watched a guy on Cheaters get a sword pulled on him when confronting his cheating girlfriend
10. Practiced doing the robot for roughly an hour

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

1. Flinched when a huge bug hit my windshield
2. Stole some beef jerky from a gas station
3. Asked the gas station clerk if she was interested in taking a look at my resume
4. Finally saw a decent looking mom breast feeding her kid in public
5. Thought about how sweet life would be if I were a truck driver
6. While doing about 85 mph, I was passed by what appeared to be a midget doing like 105
7. Had a dream I was in bed with both of the Olsen twins...Mary Kate just wanted to watch though
8. Saw a grown man pick his nose and eat it...I now know what I will look like in 20 years
9. Got teary eyed when Roxette's "Listen to your Heart" came on the radio
10. Read an emotional interview given by G.I. Jow Bazooka

Highlights of My 4th of July Weekend

2005-07-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great 4th!

1. Thought about all the places I would go if I were invisible
2. Accidentally farted while sneezing
3. Purposely farted 5 minutes later
4. Practiced my first kiss moves on my arm
5. Wondered who in the fuck enjoys eating at Cracker Barrel
6. Got wasted, played BINGO, yelled "Big Money, No Whammy!" after every number was read
7. Argued with a carnie that yelling "Big Money, No Whammy!" in no way could throw off a game of BINGO, mostly because in my opinion, "Big Money, No Whammy!" sounds nothing like "BINGO!"
8. Wore a fake moustache to a 4th of July party
9. Was involved in a physical altercation with a 16 year old for putting in a Bare Naked Ladies CD at the same party
10. Discovered that no matter how drunk you are, 5 bottle rockets in each hand won't fly you to the moon

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-02T02:49:00.000-07:00

1. Drank a fifth of Jack Daniels and played Nintendo's Duck Hunt
2. Started feeling guilty around stage 7, and I turned the gun on myself
3. Began dating Katie Holmes to promote my upcoming birthday
4. Learned the difference between cereal sprinkled with sugar and cereal sprinkled with crystal meth
5. 99.9% sure the guy in front of me at Starbucks sharted his pants
6. Put a 1/4 stick of dynamite in my buddy's next-door-neighbor's grill
7. Pretty sure I ruined an upcoming cookout
8. Perfected my ability to pick things up with my toes
9. Told a kid at Blockbuster that he had head-lice
10. Asked my waitress where she learned to toss a salad so well

Highlights of My Day

2005-07-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

1. Avoided a dead squirrel in the road...ran over a bird
2. Drunk and confused, challenged the night door man to an arm wrestling duel at 2:00 AM
3. Tried to make square pancakes
4. Practiced my new fake laugh while in the elevator with the building manager
5. Still had sleep (aka "sleep dust", "eye bugers") in my eyes at 1:15 PM
6. Lobbied for Websters Dictionary to include the word "ginormous" in their next printing
7. Tried to figure out how Montell Williams has looked the same since 1993
8. Caught the best episode of Family Ties, when Tom Hanks guest starred as the alcoholic uncle, Ed Donnely, and realizes he has a drinking problem after he bitch slapped Alex P. Keaton across the living room
9. Fucked with a telemarketer...told him I was hiding in a closet with my little brother, and that our dad was getting ready to beat the shit out of us
10. Told my grandma that her chocolate chip cookies might help me get that job at NASA (see # 4)

To my readers

2005-06-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

Andy: To copy my blog...hey, it's a free country, so do as you please, just don't follow me around, because then we will have the same blogs...oh yeah..and don't be such a deuchebag either...that may help your blog get more readers.

Teresa: Making babies looks like fun...I'll be in touch.

Kasi: I would've said something to the lady, but I was too mesmerized by the size of her sheppards balls.

lcrocks: Sorry about the time thing, I never fill in that section of the blog..so whatever shows up is what you get. What does lcrocks stand for??

Highlights of My Day

2005-06-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

1. Woke up spooning a box of Granola Bars
2. Cried during a Sylvan Learning Center commercial
3. Figured I still have 4 years, 6 months, and 17 days of training in order to win the gold medal in Curling at the 2010 Winter Olympics
4. Farted into a Tupperware bowl...sealed it...and will release the fumes at midnight
5. Saw a woman bare handedly pick up her German Sheppard's shit from someone else's yard
6. Bought a 24" diameter disco ball at a yard sale for $5.00
7. Dropped a 24" diameter disco ball from my 12th floor window
8. Found a way to tell the difference between Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen thanks to a few back to back episodes of Full House and Tivo
9. Thought about how awesome a Full House Reunion would be
10. 8,709 days straight without sharing chap stick

Highlights of My Day

2005-06-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

1. Finally got aroung to asking my mom where babies come from.
2. Wrote my first name left-handed, left-handed & upside-down, and left-handed & upside-down with my eyes closed
3. Met my new neighbors down the hall; he has a major case of man boobs, and she has a F.U.P.A.
4. Bought a mint-conditioned 1988 NASH skateboard on E-bay
5. Read a story that Barry Manilow declared bankruptcy
6. After being awarded a second degree black belt, I joined Cobra Kai
7. Yelled, "Daniel Larusso is a dead-man for dishonoring my dojo!" and "Put 'em in a bodybag Johnny!"
8. Heard a lady at Subway ask the worker how big the 6" inch sandwich was
9. Talked to a guy who dropped acid and made a stop animation movie about gummie bears fighting a war
10. Read some tips from Wilford Brimley

Highlights of My Day

2005-06-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

1. Had a dream that I co-stared in an after school special with Tiffany Brissette aka Vicky from Small Wonder
2. Celebrated the 7th consecutive year that old people eating soup is my #1 pet-peeve
3. Conducted a blind taste test and found that I prefer the generic version of Lucky Charms over the brand name, however I chose Pepsi over the generic pop (aka: soda, cola, or aka "Coke" by hillbillies)
4. Pissed off a large amout of hillbillies, but won them back by downloading the Dukes of Hazzard ringtone
5. Met a woman at the grocery store who said she was training for a marathon, but I'm pretty sure she meant to say an eatathon
6. Sent in an idea to the Discovery Channel for "Deadliest Catch: Season II"...in it I told them that in this season, catching crabs is just the beginning. (hookers are not allowed though)
7. Received numerous comments informing me that puntang is not Spanish for pudding (see Sunday's Highlights)
8. Considered what would come after HDTV and trademarked the term "IYFFTV" for "In Your Fuckin' Face TV"
9. Let out a silent fart in the elevator that smelled like mashed potatoes and eggs in a waffle cone
10. Five minutes later, while carrying in groceries, the elevator air was still consumed, I gave some girl who had gotten on before me a disgusted look

Highlights of my Day

2005-06-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

1. Became a millionaire overnight. (see #6)
2. Told my two nephews that puntang meant pudding in Spanish
3. Five minutes later I heard one of them say, "Mom can you get me some puntang?"
4. Nearly pissed my pants
5. Saw this Story posted with a picture which I thought was a before shot...but turns out, I was wrong
6. Some website told me I'm worth $2,335,772! I am worth $2,335,772 on HumanForSale.com
7. Saw every member of Earth, Wind and Fire walk around the Taste of Chicago and not be recognized
8. Inspired by my readers, I made flyers for an underground pencil-pop and RPS league (rock paper scissors)
9. Had a prophecy to bet it all on black 23 the next time I'm at the boats
10. Avoided yet another shark attack by living in Chicago and not Florida

Don't get 'em while they're hot...SORRY!!!

2005-06-26T01:59:00.000-07:00

The 1st T-shirt from BGKG.
Wait! Due to some unanticipated errors, BGKG has been forced to put these shirts on hiadous until further notice. Thanks again for all of the support, and we hope to get the situation rectified ASAP!

Highlights of My Day

2005-06-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

1. Had a great conversation with this guy
2. Continued to question the ethics of the Charmin Ultra "less is more" commercial
3. Received an e-mail from my college roommate in which he swears our other roommate’s fiancé is in the newest Girls Gone Wild movie
4. Witnessed a 7 year-old flick off his mom after she yelled at him for beating up his little brother with one of those floaty noodles at the pool
5. Watched the same 7 year-old continue to beat his brother after his mom went back to talking on her cell phone
6. Sat next to an old guy at the bar during the Cubs game who must have used the phrase "there's more than one way to skin a cat" at least 5 times
7. I considered the outcome had I looked him straight in the eye and said, "oh yeah, name one."
8. Re-lived the days when I reigned as pencil-pop champion of my middle school
9. Finally discovered Stephen Baldwin's worst movie...Fled
10. Satisfied a craving for some Bubble-Yum by taking a shot of Pepto Bismol

Highlights of my Day

2005-06-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

1. Considered what becoming famous would do to my personal life
2. Ate the heads of an entire bag of gummie bears, but left the torsos for Jess, we share often
3. Didn't hold the elevator for the old weird lady that lives on the 8th floor
4. Told my grandma that NASA called me for an interview
5. Realized I forgot to eat the bagel I put in the toaster yesturday...ate it
6. Met the two guys who are opening a butcher shop down the street...I told them I was a meat expert
7. Drank two-thirds of a six-pack before the 2nd inning of the Cubs vs. Sox game..4 beers moron
8. Gained 4 pounds due to a burrito from Baja Fresh
9. Lost 5 pounds about two hours later in the bathroom
10. Watched two back to back episodes of What I Like About You...I'm in love with Amanda Bynes

Highlights of My Day

2005-06-24T01:30:00.000-07:00

1. Slept in until 11:00 am
2. Managed to watch every judge show there is on TV
3. Daydreamed of taking over Judge Muilan's spot on the People's Court
4. Sent in my resume to the People's Court
5. Brought this months issue of Entrepreneur magazine with me to the pool to make it look like I'm self-employed and not unemployed
6. Felt fairly confident that I could have smoked the 10 year olds at the pool in a game of Marco Polo
7. Felt even more confident that their parents would have thought I was a peterass
8. Left a fart cloud in the elevator
9. Admitted to Jess that I have been secretly watching Dancing with the Stars
10. Regretted telling my sister she was ugly times infinity when I was 9

Casual Friday

2005-06-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

Jimmy the Intern
Ross the Boss

Bob from I.T.

Another Casual Friday

2005-05-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

So another Casual Friday is upon us, and somehow my high expectations for this weekend has been quickly smashed by the cold front Tom Skilling predicted to hit Chicago this weekend.
Somebody please tell me how this Monday the temps reached 83, yet it is supposed to snow by early Saturday evening. Oh well, that's Chicago...you don't like the weather? Wait a minute.

Another annoying occurrence in the Windy City this week...People causing traffic jams because they believe the vision of Mary has appeared on the wall of an underpaid off the Kennedy Expressway. It's salt people...SALT! The runoff from this winters salt has drained off the expressway and onto the walls of the underpaid, which now has become a sactuary for numerous people. I'm thinking about taking my saws-all to it and selling the concrete on e-bay.

By the way, what's up with the people who buy these odd things on e-bay? I totally support the people who make magical grilled cheese sandwiches, and I even support their efforts of posting them for sale on e-bay, but who in the hell are these people that buy them?
Is it worth it? When that online casino paid how ever many thousands of dollars for the remnants of the Holy Mary grilled cheese... (thoughts of where Mary will pop up next) ... was it worth it? Did masses of people log on to gamble away their money online because the name of some internet casino company was mentioned with the crazy story, and at their website none the less? I doubt it...I would love to be proved wrong.
(A note for the idiots out there who don't get marketing and advertising...the owners of the online casino didn't care about the sandwich)

My boss, Russtle, who should go by Russ, but refuses to be acknowledged unless called Ross,(Hence the character Ross the Boss) always claims he has items that will go for "big bucks" online. What he does is, he watches the Antique Road Show, and anything that looks like, or he thinks looks like, what he sees on there, he claims to be the same thing. So because he has a rug in his house that is old and nice looking, it would go for $15000 just like the old man on last week's episode...oh well. idiot.

Casual Friday!

2005-01-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

You know it's sad when the two things I look forward to most during the work week are the puzzles in Wednesday's company newsletter, and the opportunity to "dress down" on Casual Friday. I honestly think I put more time into what I will wear on Friday than any other day of the week.
It's, as George W. (pronounced dub-ya) would say, "it's hard work". Why is it even called casual friday? If you're gonna go to the extent of putting out the feeling that nobody cares what you wear today, then call it "whatever you feel like day". That way, I could come in wearing my shorts and T-shirt that I slept in and not have to go through that weekly ritual that I go through to find something "nice" but not too "nice". I sometimes wonder if I could get away with wearing the same type of outfit I wear during the rest of the week (dress pants, shirt and tie) but to make it slide into the "casual" sector by slipping over my Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon tee over it. Or maybe my usual work atire, only with my Brian Urlacher jersey as some type of sweater vest.
Who knows or cares...this fuckin job sucks.

"The Sports Section Bandit" aka Bob from I.T.

2005-01-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

Many people, lets be honest mostly friends, have been asking me to post my comic strip "Casual Friday" online for some time now. However, I've found that a majority of the people who read my comics are even more interested in the real-life stories which inspired me to create the stars of Casual Friday: "Jimmy the Intern", "Ross the Boss" and "Bob from I.T." So with that, I give you my very first blog..."The Sports Section Bandit" aka Bob from I.T.

I created "Bob from I.T." after my first week at my new job. He's based on my company's jerk of a webmaster that is guaranteed to being doing 1 of 3 things, and none of them have anything to do with being a webmaster. He is either reading the sports section, stealing the sports section from somebody's cubicle, or bitching about how he can't find anyone with a paper to grab the sports section out of. “Doesn’t anyone around here gotta god damn paper!?” (His voice can only be truly appreciated by saying that line with a thick Chicago accent or your best Chris Farley impersonation.)

To the everyday schmo workin' the drive-thu at Krispy Kreame, you'd think Bob was a generous manager, pickin' up a dozen or so donuts on the way to work each day. That would also require the average schmo to look past the fact that he only buys one large coffee and is about 150lbs. overweight.

Every morning, after Bob downs 7 or 8 glazed goodies, his real workday begins. Like a bear tearing through some poor tourist campsite, growling and groaning, Bob huffs and puffs his way through numerous cubicles before eying his prized possession…a freshly wrapped morning newspaper atop an unattended desk. Again, using the bear and campsite reference, Bob rips through the paper’s protecting wrap, past the business, local and classifieds, and onto the Filet Mignon of newspaper sections…Sports. After the pilferage occurs, Bob quickly flees the scene, goes back to his den/office, shuts the door, reads the sports from front to back, and is nowhere to be seen for at least 3 hours…this is where I end the bear references, but the deuchebag in the corner says something like, “What, is he hibernating”?

Because I’ve never seen Bob come out of his office until after lunch, I’m led to believe that he either brown-bags it or gives his cholesterol some balance by finishing off the remaining 4 or 5 leftover donuts. At any rate, when he does decide to offer his afternoon appearance, everyone knows it. When Bob’s office door opens, the farted version of old sugar glaze and coffee beans fill the air.

Bob is short and fat, so you never see him walking through the cubicle maze, you just hear him making this noise, which to the untrained ear, would seem like he’s just clearing his throat, but I swear it’s just an uncontrollable noise his body makes in it’s attempt to create a third chin.
Bob usually makes small talk on his afternoon excursions, but most employees keep it short because they either actually have work to do, could care less about Bob’s sports section recap, or are disgusted at how Bob ignores the importance of wiping the now-crusted glaze from his mustache. In my case, it’s all three.

Size
Color